February 2012
Saying you hate people is like claiming to hate AriZona products. I mean, sure, maybe you’re not big on iced tea but there’s still fruit punch and orangeade and those weird energy drinks. I’m just saying, don’t hate on Arnold Palmer just because that bitch on the green tea bottle fucked you over.
Wait.
I mean, don’t hate everyone, just shitty people.
Somebody...
Missed connection
You: passed out on the floor in front of the Religion section.
Me: working at a library.
Call me.
Trying to decide between school and prostitution.
Ultimate Diet:
Poop more than you eat.
I’ve always been under the impression that, since Superbowl Champion apparel is available immediately at the conclusion of the game, clothing manufacturers must make merchandise for both teams and send the things with the losing team on it to third world nations so there are scores and scores of Ethiopians wearing oversized Patriots t-shirts and hats thereby misleading them to believe the...
If someone could guarantee that one of the players is going to become paralyzed from the neck down, Imightwatch the Superbowl. Otherwise, I just don’t see why anyone would choose that nonsense over the Puppy Bowl.
Today, my friend told me that if I don’t start dating a girl soon, people are just going to start assuming that I’m asexual.
Yikes.
January 2012
I match my underwear to my shoes.
ladies.
I don’t understand why people like to announce that they drink tea. It doesn’t make you some sort of deep intellectual or anything like that. It’s hot leaf water, you pretentious fucks.
Don't be a bitch-ass punk. →
Alright, I get it, you think you’re the coolest kid on this side of the motherfucking Mason-Dixon Line. I’m about to lay some hard truth on you. You are not cool. Don’t give up though. You can still be cool. If you’ve got some extra cash kicking around, click that link and help out my buds in Killscreen. If they were a bunch of scumbags, I wouldn’t bother promoting...
I battled SOPA by putting fake lemons in with the real lemons in Wal-Mart. You’re welcome, internet.
My Twitter is substantially more humorous than my Tumblr if witty observations and non sequiturs are your kind of thing.
Follow me, if you’d like.
Oh.
My.
God.
I just yelled “WHAT IS DONKEY PUNCH” while watching Jeopardy with my parents.
I’m just going to go to Siberia for the rest of my life.
If your favorite book is Catcher in the Rye, we...
Four out of five times I use Stumbleupon, it brings me to a website that generates fake identities. I’m not entirely certain what demographic that sort of site appeals to or what makes Stumbleupon think that I’m part of it.
I find that a fair portion of my misery is derived from the lack of words in the English language as bluntly poetic as “fuck”. Also, pretty much everything from Japan contributes really heavily.
Fenyo ruins everything.
littleredheadedgirl:
fenyocontramundum:
hellojuicebox:
it’s about due time the French had another Revolution
i mean it’s been almost 200 years guys
step up your game
“WE SURRENDER!”
“WE SURRENDER TOO!”
And that’s why modern French revolutions don’t go anywhere.
The French flag is actually a white flag.
hellojuicebox:
it’s about due time the French had another Revolution
i mean it’s been almost 200 years guys
step up your game
“WE SURRENDER!”
“WE SURRENDER TOO!”
And that’s why modern French revolutions don’t go anywhere.
Voted Best Sense of Humor AND the Master of Ceremonies of a male beauty pageant AND single?! Obviously I’m doing something about 66% right.
Today I saw 2 very dumb dogs fighting over a miniature football. There was also a small child hanging on who was getting dragged through dirt and mud and rocks and dog shit. I thought it was a really nice metaphor for the 2012 presidential election.
Me: My favorite book is A Clockwork Orange.
Everyone: Is that the one about rape?!
NO.
SORT OF.
“Oh. Maybe my dick is weird then…”
– My first sent text of 2012
December 2011
I don’t understand why people feel so strongly about tattoos. I mean, the common argument usually involves them being super-duper meaningful. “I got a cross because I love Jesus!” Yeah? So do 2.1 billion other humans. “I got my kids’ names because they’re my life!” Sorry about that torn vagina of yours though. Don’t get me wrong, tattoos are...
Throwing left hooks at strangers is NOT how you celebrate Boxing Day. Lesson learned.
I wish we said “merry” before other holidays.
Merry Thanksgiving!
Merry Arbor Day!
Merry Halloween!
Merry World AIDS Day.
Will somebody explain this ubiquitous animosity held toward Justin Bieber? He seems like an okay guy.
